We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
