im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
