Already got asked if we're dating
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Oh god it's open bar.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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