Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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