I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
