sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
