i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i wish my penis had a tongue
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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