I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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