I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You did what with his pubic hair?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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