Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Found your dick twin last night
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
