Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
