i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
