im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
