We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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