My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
