I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
where are you?
Hypothermia
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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