My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I showed him my bush... on skype.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
