we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
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