I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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