there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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