she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
