I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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