I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize