so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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