not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
