Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
