He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
