I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
