Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
