You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
