I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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