i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Randomize
