I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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