I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize