clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize