Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize