She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
