my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
