She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
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