dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
