I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
