meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
