I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
