Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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