he puts the penis in happiness.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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