I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
