In the future we'll all be gay
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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