Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
