I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
