I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
