I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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