I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
