I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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