and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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