please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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