i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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