Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
