am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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