i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
