A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
