Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
