apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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